I was watching Grey’s Anatomy last week (yes, I still watch this beautiful relic of a show!) and one of the story lines really resonated with me. It involved two characters, April and Jackson, who used to be married but are now navigating co-parenting while living together, but not being in a relationship…basically lots of great soap opera drama-type stuff 🙂 This week April joins Tinder because she decides on a whim she wants to start dating, and the whole swipe right or left and go on dates thing is a bit hard for her to wrap her head around…sound like anyone else you know lol (read an oldie blog post here for details!)?!

So towards the end of the episode, April confesses to Jackson that her Tinder date was terrible and that she HATES dating and doesn’t know how people do this and I found myself thinking “Yes! Yes, that is exactly how I feel!”. She talks about how all her exes have been friends turned into lovers, or coworkers, or men she just met and fell into a relationship with, and that she doesn’t know how people do this whole dating thing. It occurred to me in that moment that I am still SUPER closed off mentally to the idea of dating, and it kinda got my wheels turning a bit. Flash forward to this past Saturday, and I felt like my anti-dating mindset got even more ammo for it’s ‘fight against dates’ when I caught up with a good friend and she gave me the low down on her latest disastrous rendezvous.

So the story goes that my friend met this guy at a pub last weekend, and he asked her out to dinner a few days later. The disaster started when her date showed up drunk, and continued as he ordered a shot of tequila (along with other drinks) with dinner, called his mom some very bad names, spoke about his ex-girlfriend at great length and told her about his 2 recent DUI charges…just a lot of not so good stuff all wrapped up into one very uncomfortable meal! I honestly sat there completely in shock (and laughing quite a bit to be honest lol) as she relayed the story to me…and I just kept thinking – if I have a free night to have dinner with someone, let it be someone I know and love and whose company I enjoy! Why would I spend a night out with a stranger just hoping that maybe one day I’ll meet the right stranger?!

So I sat on this for awhile, feeling all high and mighty about how I don’t need no man in my life, and then the real deal feelings started creeping in. While I may not want to date RIGHT NOW because I’m hyper-focused on my passion projects and career, I’m sure I will eventually want a partner to share my life with. I think what I’m so scared about when I imagine a new relationship, is the idea that I will lose myself in someone else again, because that has been my modus operandi in every single relationship I’ve ever had.  I can sit behind this keyboard and write all day about how happy I am, how much I love my life, and how proud I am of all that I’ve accomplished since splitting with my husband (all of which is true, true, true), but if I’m 100% honest, inside I am SO scared that I will lose all that if I let someone in again.

I guess what I’ve decided while reflecting on and writing this post, is that I just need more time by myself right now, growing in self love, accomplishing my wildest dreams, and becoming the very best version of myself I could ever imagine, before I partner up with someone in a relationship. I know when the time is right the Universe will put that perfect-for-me person on my path, and until that happens I will withhold my judgment about dating and have faith that the man of my dreams will come along in whatever way he’s meant to, whenever the time is absolutely right. XO